While i continue to formualte my thoughts and feelings about my trip to Palestine i came across this somewhat unfinshed work in my personal folder (that seems to contain nothing but unfinished work) and decided to publish it anyway...it was inspired by the all too many children that perished before even gaining any awareness of life...i dont know what to call the piece so any title suggestions?

Why have you returned little one? Has your journey already come to an end?

Nay, it has just begun, I have returned because the place I was sent to was not prepared for the great deeds that I was to accomplish…they did not have love nor could they see beyond their illusionary vision….

What did you learn in your short stay?

I learned that the world is very immature and lost….fear consumes everything…this fear is then used to ignite the fire that has caused the world to never stop burning…during my short stay my only inclination was to use my small wings to carry my loved ones to safety…but I could not either find a safe place nor could my small wings bear to carry them all…

Do you hate those you have done this to you?

NO it is not them that I hate….but I hate what they have convinced themselves is right…I no longer exist for a principle that has been built on exploitation, the exploitation of innocent peoples fear….i hate their ignorance…their acceptance…and their justifications for no fear should manifest itself in hate that ends life before it has been allowed to flourish…

What do you hope can be accomplished from your departure?

I hope that it ends with me…though I know this will not be the case….I hope that I can serve as the conduit that shows people how senseless this is and how none will live in comfort so long as this continues…I am but a drop in the sea…but even a drop misplaced can cause a tidal wave…

8-26-2006

8-26-2006
So close...

back at "CAPS LOCK":
Well if you havent figured it out yup i am back in Amman and did not make it across the border...however i can now join the ranks of arab foreign nationals who are the proud owners of a a blood red "ENTRY DENIED INTO ISRAEL" stamp...i mean really i wouldnt feel like a true Palestinian if i didnt have one to adorn my American passport with...so my song of choice for the rest of the day was "denied" by default...to be completely honest none of us were really to hopeful to begin with but we felt like we had to try...it was only fair to do so...well when we got there they gave us the same Visa BS they gave my mom and sis when they went down the first time...they said we are to contact the Palestinian ministry of the interior and ask them for one and get it approved by israel and then have them sent to us in amman only then can we go...only they also supplemented us with additional information stating that we could still be refused if we are seen as "a security threat"...so in other words...stop bothering us...

Of all of us i think my mom took it the worst...she initally didnt give them the satisfaction of knowing they upset her...then in the cab ride home (a cab that broke down three times in over 100 degree temp) she started to get angry...and then by the time we got to the house she started to cry..

"how is it that I am not allowed into the place i was born in and europeans who dont know the significance of anything are allowed?" looking at me " you havent been there in over 12 years you cant possoibly remember what your grandparents house looks like...why should you be denied that? and your sister's wedding...why is she not allowed to celebrate her new life on the same ground i did, and all her ancestors before her..."

She was right...i dont remeber my grandparents house...at least with every pasing year it fades more and more into shadow...it is like a dream that i heard about and never experienced...but the yearning continues to grow...i may not remeber the way things looked but i remember the way they made me feel inside...how they awakened something in me that was never there before...how the air smelled...the fruit tasted...everything there was a moment of elation...it is probably one of the only places i truly felt....alive...many of you will not understand and perahps think that i am simply saying these things for dramatic effect or because i want to evoke some emotion within you....but no one can ever truly know what i am talking about unless they have experiemced something similar...and no one can ever prove that what i am saying is not true...it would be one thing to choose not to do or go somewhere...but to have that choice made for you by someone who has no right to is unacceptable...imagine someone you love more then anything...remember love requires no ryhme or reason...now imagine that someone has taken them away from you for their own selfish exploits...and then to rub it in your face they force them to stand at a distance close enough to see but never close enough to contact or touch causing you nothing but grief...it is a constant reminder that they are no longer yours to love...they are ours now to utilize...come any closer and you will die...forget yourself...and your loved one....but no one can rob you of your emotions...or what is in your heart no matter how they try to...but thats what makes it so much harder...Imagine if you will, standing at the bay of aqaba in the S of jordan and seeing the massive bay city of elaat, or at the jordan valley river and seeing the orange orchards of 1948 Palestinain Beesan...and then hearing the stories of the people of old pointing to very specific unseen areas, pointing to their homes that still stand...giving you and entire history of the first tree planed and the last person to water it with their blood....

And there you remain staring...teary eyed...enraged...and resigined...
Standing so close and yet oh so far....

8-23-2006

8-23-2006
"CAPS LOCK internet cafe"
Make Dua....

So tomorrow is the big day we make our second attempt to get into Pali...we have asked around and everyone says that our only chance of possibly going in is to try another bridge that is specifically designed for foreign citizens...none of us are really that hopeful...but we are gonna try and see what comes of it...i dont even know anymore...well if i do make it in then i will be prob off da net for two weeks but if i dont i will be sure to report back to you all...take care and please feel free to leave comments...its been kinda difficult and lonely around here...i miss you all and actually there are many things about the states that i realized i also miss and had always taken for granted and i feel like it is now my duty to share that with you guys so that you can also appreciate them while you have them:
1) always having hot water for showering...
2) always having water
3) AC
4)no dust in the air which aggitates the allergies i forgot i had
5) somewhat safe drivers that dont make me feel like i am attempting sucide everytime i enter a car
6) friends (its not that i dont have friends here...i just miss you guys and my friends here are super busy...i mean they have jobs (yuck "in my head right now i am singing the toy r us song")
7) internet access (which has actually gotten a lot better here i mean they have wirless in some of the cafes here, naturally in the rich areas)
8) sadly...time and motivation to study for the LSAT

well while i am at it it is only fair to now count the things i will miss here:
1) the sound of athan (the call to prayer)
2) NO HUMIDIDTY (and not needing the AC all the time)
3) FOOD!!
4) having nothing to do but sleep
5) having a country that runs on your time (the ave work day starts at 9-10 and people dont actually go out until 8-9pm and 100's of things are open until 3 am!!)
6) our home (the building) :(
7) my sister
8) being so close to "home" (Palestine, though i will say being less them 2 hours away and not being allowed in is even harder and more infuriating)

funny how some things cross list...anyway...yeah i know boooring entry..but thats all i got right now...love you all...take care of yourselves...peace..and pray not that we get in...but that nothing but the best happens (long story about "not getting in" one i dont know if i will ever be able to get into) Peace out

8-21-2006

8-21-2006
Amman Jordan
Home
I don’t think I have ever seen this much good morning America…it seems kinda odd that many of the things that I didn’t watch nor do in the US I seem to be doing and watching here…this morning when I was watching it they had these kids on the show who are competitive stackers (you know those kids with amazing hand eye coordination for something so worthless as stacking up plastic cups and then taking them down at record speeds) and so the guy newscaster or host whatever you wanna call him goes up to the boy and asks him “So is this sport “Asian” or is it American?” to which the boy responds “ No it’s American” and I don’t know why that question really pissed me off. I mean what would make him jump to the conclusion that it’s “Asian” (which I am taking to mean East Asian because you know all things that require vast amounts of speed and focus must stem from some sort of martial arts root that would naturally be “Asian”….stupid white boy…)

God this is sad…I’m turning into an ever more bitter person but worse yet I am fitting into the stereotype of a middle-aged suburban housewife…yet I am no where near the suburbs…Did I mention that I am watching Oprah as well : (

SOOOO lemme share with all of you how AMAZING Israel really is, true democracy indeed!!
I mean years ago they used to give all the Palestinian citizens hell on earth to get into Palestine, while all of us with foreign citizenship got in easily, while now it is the total opposite…I mean what is democracy and justice if you can not subject everyone to the same BS at one point in time…I mean I don’t blame the Israeli’s we do out number them so it takes time to subjugate millions when you are a few 100 thousand…it really is a hard job…

(Following source of information comes from my mom and sister who were turned back at the Israeli side of the border only yesterday)

Now it seems that a new law has been enacted which applies to all foreign nationals…which naturally Israel failed to inform any foreign nations with people who may come to visit the occupied territories…so it seems that in order for you to enter the occupied territories you have to have a family member that lives there and makes you a visa from the Palestinian authority and approved by Israel…but here is the kicker if you ask them where you can acquire such a “Visa” they tell you to go ask allah for one…hahaha they have such a sense of humor…Well when you call anyone in the occupied territories and ask them about getting this new visa everyone is just dumfounded and admits that they have heard of no such procedure…however if you wanna enter Israel for tourism you are more then welcome…why wouldn’t you be I mean lets face it that way the few thousand dollars you brought with you for your famil will instead go into Israeli economy…

The thing I find most fishy about this whole thing is why are they making it so easy for Palestinians to get in…I mean making it hard for foreign nationals makes sense…you don’t want them to find out what is really happening on ground zero…and you don’t want them to help out their families in any way…I mean that’s intuitive…but why make it easy for Palestinians to get in…they must have something up their sleeve and I haven’t quite been able to wrap my mind about what exactly…

So as it stands we still have no idea where the wedding is going to take place…Amman Or Ramallah…sigh…my poor sister

I think the best and most entertaining idea anyone has had yet was to have them get married one on each side of the banks of the Jordan river…her on the East and him on the West and have Aljazeera do it live on the air…

Humus or Cornflakes?

Humus or Cornflakes?

*The following information is speculative and comes from may sources...with that in mind...enjoy.

To me nothing has been more telling of the psychological condition of the average Arab citizen then by simply flipping through the 212 Arabic satellite channels. Consisting of at least one third music channels (well that’s if you wanna call someone with a decent face/body that can’t carry a tune if their life depended on it and with music videos that would make weird al yankovich seem like a professional that was taking himself seriously, music), by far the most numerous amount of channels; another third which fall into the news/political channels, a handful of religious channels, and then misc. People here seem to be either voluntarily oblivious, or driven to a state of rage and helplessness due to the current political situation. It’s amazing how being in Amman which is only maybe 150 miles away from Ramallah and maybe 500 miles away from Lebanon can pretend to be so out of touch with reality. We talk so much about American isolationism, yet it happens everywhere, except here it is a mental construct while there it is a geographical one, and for that reason makes it all the more difficult to accept. It seems that so long as it is not your house blown up or your family mangled and left for dead, it’s just something regrettable and nothing more (this is by no means a universal application here or anywhere else).

There has been a lot of talk around here about this new Middle East plan. Many people have concluded that it is meant to be the contemporary rehash of the Sikes Pico plan, which had initially divided the Middle East into its current situation. I’ve heard many different people, on the news and in the streets, tell the same theory with minor differences, the general idea here is that this “new middle east” is going to divi up Saudi Arabia into a four regions: 1) the sacred or holy state consisting of Mecca and Medina and it will become an independent country like the Vatican. 2) the new Saudi Arabia which will surround this sacred state (which will yet remain under the control of Al S3ood, the current ruling family). 3) A portion will be given to Yemen. 4) Finally, the last portion will be given to Jordan. Furthermore, there will be the development of a new canal between the red sea and the Dead Sea, between Israel and Jordan, which will allow for the transport of oil that will be diverted from Turkey and Syria to Israel. This way all ships that had once gone to the Suez Canal will now have to go to this newly constructed canal, forcing Egypt to suffer drastic economic losses. Although to be completely honest I don’t know how it would be possible to construct a canal between to very geographically separate bodies of water. But then again if man was capable of creating their own world of islands then I don’t see how this would be a impossibility. Political analysts go on to explain that newly expanded Jordan will become the rightful home of the Palestinians, and we will once again be under the control of the Jordanian crown. This is meant to solve that pesky refugee problem everyone keeps talking about. This influx of people who are desperate will become the working and laboring classes on which this new Middle East construct will rely on to lay down the foundations of a newly evolved form of oppression and global dominance. This is one reason that people have been citing for the renewed vigor Israel has been taking to find all Palestinians and give them their identity cards. So that they can have a proper census to tabulate a close enough number for the new inhabitants of Jordan. Which has ALWAYS been a part of Israeli policy, the creation of a “final resting place” (how appropriately termed) for Palestinians in Jordan. Once again Palestinian desires are overlooked and never taken into account.

Iraq is to be divided into five independent countries, which will allow for the much easier allocation and distribution of the oil. I believe the Kurdistan is to be created in the most oil rich areas of the north (I am not sure about my information here) and since the US will have helped them establish their own independent country and they are few there will be no doubt that a US military base will be established there and the oil will be all the more within the reach of US interests. Yet again a new form of divide and conquer. All the –stan countries are to come under US control so that they will have a new platform from which to get at Iran and China, to make sure they have an iron fist hold on the entire region, suppress any possible Muslim discontent and ensure the delivery of the oh so precious oil.

From what i understand these are to be some of the features of the "new middle east" (more on this issue when it comes)

Maybe its no longer a question of humus or cornflakes…maybe its now a question of the creation of humus-flakes.

Hot Diggidy Damn Lets MAKE SOME JAM!!

Hot Diggidy Damn Lets MAKE SOME JAM!!

• The following story suffers greatly from over exaggeration and may offend some who are not used to the embellishment of my story telling. In which case, what are you doing reading my blog?!!

So what happens when you have no friends, no cell phone, and no regular Internet access and you are in the Middle East? You make Jam obviously. It all started out innocent enough when my mom came in to my bedroom (while I was laid to ruin due to the incapacitating illness that has inflicted me…some think that I have a rare form of quarter life disillusionment-itis that has manifested itself into the ugliness that is seen today) and she inquired if I would like to tag along to the country side, escape the city and get some fresh air. After what seemed to be an eternity of struggling with my mucus infested cavities I finally agreed, it was all too reminiscent of Tuberculosis patients back in the good old days. And so we set off to my sister’s in law’s farm.

I proceeded with caution to this farm of imaginary happiness which would somehow miraculously cure me, for if any of you have parents you know that ANYTHING that has the power to “cure” you must be seen with at the very least a suspicious eye. At first I am not gonna lie it was amazing, the wind, the fresh air, the trees weighed down by the most tempting of fruits, being in such a state of medicated elation it didn’t require much convincing to do some “ light” farm work.

Mom: “Fadi…Habiby…why don’t you come and help us pick some grapes? You remember how much you used to love picking things? You know you will enjoy yourself. (and of course) come on it will make you feel better…I promise…

Fadi: “fine, I suppose picking some grapes wouldn’t do me any harm…and the weather is pretty nice”

I should have known that all happiness would come to a near end when I started to enjoy myself. And so what started off as a good time would soon elapse into excruciating hours of backbreaking labor in the heat of the unforgiving Jordanian sun.

After about 48 hrs (which were actually 2 maybe 3) of picking grapes we finally went home, which was practically a Gift from God as far as I was concerned I immediately began to run to my bedroom in hopes of finding my "bed" (two matresses on the floor, we havent furnished yet) awaiting my embrace. But before i could throw myself into my lovers arms my mother called out to me...

"where do you think you are gowing? we still have to sort out the grapes, deseed them one by one and then wash them. Don't you want to eat grape jelly?"

"Mom if i wanted grape jelly i would do what i always do...look for the welches sqeezable bottle"

But alas, that only hastened her wrath. She came flying towards me with unnatural speed with a tray full of a mountian of grapes. Resigned i began to sort...

It seemed to me the more sorted the more there were...it was like a cornicopia of grapes...after honest to god what seemed like 12 hrs of grape sorting my mother trued to reel both my sister and myself into deseeding them...but we finally won her over convincing her that when seeded grapes boil and wilt the seeds naturally begin to rise to the surface...and so that was my unneseccarily long story about my oh so boring days here...

But you wanna know what makes all of this even mor unfair? Being in the middle east surrounded by mounds of delicious food that you haven’t seen in three years and eating it without a sense of taste…I mean that is irony at its worst…you know exactly what its supposed to taste like…only you cant taste it, what’s even worse is confronting your FAVORITE foods and having little to no desire to consume all of it without feel any regret of not sharing!

Welcome to the show....

Welcome to the show....
Hello everyone from half way across the globe...i wish i had mroe time but i will give you all the headlines...well i have been miserably ill since i got here to the point where i was pretty much bed ridden last night...its nothing serious just one of the worst colds i have ever had...I have been implementing the Renee form of treatment wich consisits of consuming unhealthy amounts of candy and junkfood...which is great for lijke a few seconds then you just feel like crap...but as luck would have it we were invited today to come to my mom's uncle's house (he is a doctor) which meant we got an awesome lunch and i got free medication and medical treatment! gotta love taking advantage of those you relate to...

Our house mashallah is AMAZING...although there are quite a few minor glitches...one of the most obvious ones is that no where in the house can you find a mirror...(its really very strange) it makes me feel like i am a contestant on that extreme makeover show the swan...where you are not allowed to look at your self in a mirror until after your procedure is all done...only i am sure in my version of the show instead of becoming beautiful im sure something will happen to me and i will become even more hedious then i previously was (assuming that is at all possible).

I got to see Anas the other day which was really nice, it was cool cuz it made me really feel at home here...ntohing about him has changed which is good...There is very little to tell you guys aside from that...except that i wish i hadnt come back so soon...cuz dealing with future wedding drama is not something that i ever wanted to do...

i hope to write something a bit more substaintial once i feel a bit better...

A tribute

A tribute
As I prepare myself to turn over a new leaf in the journey of my life I would like to leave behind a tribute to those in my past, present and future

to those who have hurt me...thank you for making me stronger whether you wanted to or not...you taught what not to be and how not to treat people...you reminded me that I deserve better and allowed me the opportunity to grow...you pushed me onto my face and forced me to find strength within myself to become a better person for me first and in turn everyone around me...

to those who cared for me...thank you for reminding me that I am worth loving...for highlighting the qualities I forgot I had or never realized that I contained...you have helped me at times when all else failed and everything seemed hopeless...

To those who made me laugh...thank you for reminding me that there are things in life to enjoy...even at times when life was bleak and dull we made the best of it...you showed me that humor is essential and life will always go on...

to those who made me cry...you reminded me of my humanity and my insecurities as a person...you taught me not to fear my inadequacies for they are what make me unique...rather I embraced them as essential to who I am for without their cold embrace I forget that I was created this way...I am a nothing...and my time here is temporary...who I am as it stands does not matter...but what I make of me does

To those who have disappointed me...you taught that in life we should try to find reasons to act rather then very easily make excuses why not to do something...there is nothing more amazing then striving to make those you love happy...

As humans we walk through life pretending to be unaffected by the things we experience...many times we don’t even realize the impact people have had on our lives...as such I do not believe that there is such a thing as a pure individual...we are all the collective of all the people who have come across our lives...there are those who we emulated...those who we let into our hearts...those we allowed to trample on us...and those who simply walked through...all of these people leave us forever changed...we are never today what we were yesterday and to assume that we are is foolish...we start off as nothing more then hollow vessels that are...throughout the years...filled with what we allow ourselves to be filled with...good and bad we do nothing more then reflect that which we contain...and at times when we foolishly think we have everything figured out and we have reached our brim...we very quickly discover that we are empty yet again and our vessel has grown to contain more...


If there has ever been any good in me it is because of all of you...and if there has ever been any bad it is a result of my human nature and my own shortcomings and for that I ask for your forgiveness...while I will miss you all dearly...we will never truly depart...for the impression you have all placed in my heart has left me forever changed...