The leaves outside are falling. Tumbling down, cascading gently upon the wings of the unseen, undetectable winds, marking yet another cycle of life. Which one? Who knows, who cares?...
The occasional leaf makes its way into our lives, into our buildings clinging to the bottom of an unsuspecting shoe. An intrusion to our sterile environments, our desperate attempts to create a semblance of order, something, without which we seem unable to function.
Yet there it lies, a message from the outside world, crushed to dust, crumpled upon the ground. Unceremoniously left to decay until an industrially mass produced machine comes upon it removing it from sight and memory.
Benignly awaiting its ultimate demise it attempts to remind us of the greater order, one that has long existed before us and will continue to do so after we become nothing more then phantoms of the past. An order so much greater then the individual and so interconnected that it impacts each of us if only we would take a moment to notice…
Will no one stop with me just a second to breathe in the fall of creation in preparation to be born anew?...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Night & Day
It's those tricky hours before I go to bed, all alone, that the floodgates open and I'm reminded of all the people no longer in my life yet forever in my soul. The images of their faces flashing before my minds eye...
Immersion in my everyday life and worries is the only thing that closes the curtain before them, so that i may project the images of here and now and an inevitable future that will only include their image as it is forever captured in a time capsule. Dreaming up what has become of them, a privilege i am no longer entitled to know...
As much as i say i've let go i never have and all those nights and days i blamed them have now become self blame. I cant really remember why i severed such ties except that I (not them) had become such an unstable, acidic person that all i knew was to cut out and start anew. Some would describe it as turning over a new leaf but such a description is too benign for how i felt about it. I tore the already tattered pages of those books, spat on them, drowned them in gasoline and then lit them, weeping a silent eulogy while inhaling the burning stench of my inner peace. With no trace but the ashy residue of their faces, that no matter what i do i can't nor want to wash away, i'm reminded of my long term emotional embattlement...
I destroyed those relationships, and now i exert my energies to remind myself of all the horrible things they did, forcing me to undertake the actions that i did. Such concrete truths have become untruths, lies that i weave to convince myself of the justice of the so called necessary evils i committed for the sake of my self preservation. While in hindsight it was necessary, it was never for the reasons that i had convinced myself...
And it is in these hours that i am flooded with their images, the tender moments, the laughs and hugs, welling the tears in my eyes that cling weighing down the incandescent silky strands of my web of untruths i've spent years constructing. Leaving me exhausted, wanting nothing more then to reach out to them. Stuck between the "reality" i've conceived over the years and the "reality" that is now true, one disproving the other...
As night turns to day and day to night my moods continue their eternal dance. Like sun and moon doomed to forever dance around one another, following in the others path. Longing to meet yet seldom doing so, for if they do darkness, blissful darkness, will be all that remains to the detriment of one another extinguishing life as they know it...
Immersion in my everyday life and worries is the only thing that closes the curtain before them, so that i may project the images of here and now and an inevitable future that will only include their image as it is forever captured in a time capsule. Dreaming up what has become of them, a privilege i am no longer entitled to know...
As much as i say i've let go i never have and all those nights and days i blamed them have now become self blame. I cant really remember why i severed such ties except that I (not them) had become such an unstable, acidic person that all i knew was to cut out and start anew. Some would describe it as turning over a new leaf but such a description is too benign for how i felt about it. I tore the already tattered pages of those books, spat on them, drowned them in gasoline and then lit them, weeping a silent eulogy while inhaling the burning stench of my inner peace. With no trace but the ashy residue of their faces, that no matter what i do i can't nor want to wash away, i'm reminded of my long term emotional embattlement...
I destroyed those relationships, and now i exert my energies to remind myself of all the horrible things they did, forcing me to undertake the actions that i did. Such concrete truths have become untruths, lies that i weave to convince myself of the justice of the so called necessary evils i committed for the sake of my self preservation. While in hindsight it was necessary, it was never for the reasons that i had convinced myself...
And it is in these hours that i am flooded with their images, the tender moments, the laughs and hugs, welling the tears in my eyes that cling weighing down the incandescent silky strands of my web of untruths i've spent years constructing. Leaving me exhausted, wanting nothing more then to reach out to them. Stuck between the "reality" i've conceived over the years and the "reality" that is now true, one disproving the other...
As night turns to day and day to night my moods continue their eternal dance. Like sun and moon doomed to forever dance around one another, following in the others path. Longing to meet yet seldom doing so, for if they do darkness, blissful darkness, will be all that remains to the detriment of one another extinguishing life as they know it...
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