8-26-2006

8-26-2006
So close...

back at "CAPS LOCK":
Well if you havent figured it out yup i am back in Amman and did not make it across the border...however i can now join the ranks of arab foreign nationals who are the proud owners of a a blood red "ENTRY DENIED INTO ISRAEL" stamp...i mean really i wouldnt feel like a true Palestinian if i didnt have one to adorn my American passport with...so my song of choice for the rest of the day was "denied" by default...to be completely honest none of us were really to hopeful to begin with but we felt like we had to try...it was only fair to do so...well when we got there they gave us the same Visa BS they gave my mom and sis when they went down the first time...they said we are to contact the Palestinian ministry of the interior and ask them for one and get it approved by israel and then have them sent to us in amman only then can we go...only they also supplemented us with additional information stating that we could still be refused if we are seen as "a security threat"...so in other words...stop bothering us...

Of all of us i think my mom took it the worst...she initally didnt give them the satisfaction of knowing they upset her...then in the cab ride home (a cab that broke down three times in over 100 degree temp) she started to get angry...and then by the time we got to the house she started to cry..

"how is it that I am not allowed into the place i was born in and europeans who dont know the significance of anything are allowed?" looking at me " you havent been there in over 12 years you cant possoibly remember what your grandparents house looks like...why should you be denied that? and your sister's wedding...why is she not allowed to celebrate her new life on the same ground i did, and all her ancestors before her..."

She was right...i dont remeber my grandparents house...at least with every pasing year it fades more and more into shadow...it is like a dream that i heard about and never experienced...but the yearning continues to grow...i may not remeber the way things looked but i remember the way they made me feel inside...how they awakened something in me that was never there before...how the air smelled...the fruit tasted...everything there was a moment of elation...it is probably one of the only places i truly felt....alive...many of you will not understand and perahps think that i am simply saying these things for dramatic effect or because i want to evoke some emotion within you....but no one can ever truly know what i am talking about unless they have experiemced something similar...and no one can ever prove that what i am saying is not true...it would be one thing to choose not to do or go somewhere...but to have that choice made for you by someone who has no right to is unacceptable...imagine someone you love more then anything...remember love requires no ryhme or reason...now imagine that someone has taken them away from you for their own selfish exploits...and then to rub it in your face they force them to stand at a distance close enough to see but never close enough to contact or touch causing you nothing but grief...it is a constant reminder that they are no longer yours to love...they are ours now to utilize...come any closer and you will die...forget yourself...and your loved one....but no one can rob you of your emotions...or what is in your heart no matter how they try to...but thats what makes it so much harder...Imagine if you will, standing at the bay of aqaba in the S of jordan and seeing the massive bay city of elaat, or at the jordan valley river and seeing the orange orchards of 1948 Palestinain Beesan...and then hearing the stories of the people of old pointing to very specific unseen areas, pointing to their homes that still stand...giving you and entire history of the first tree planed and the last person to water it with their blood....

And there you remain staring...teary eyed...enraged...and resigined...
Standing so close and yet oh so far....