Post Croatia 1: Was it a Dream?

Its been over a year now or close to it that i have not written anything in this blog. It is not that there has been nothing worth writing about, only that there have been very few new insights , few epiphanies, it has all been a part of the same drudgery, the same monotonous existence. Until something happened and as it was happening i had no concept of my internal evolution, an evolution that was for all practical purposes not an evolution at all, rather stasis, picking up where i had long ago left off.

It was as if my consciousness had realigned itself after 5 years living in an out of body experience. I was no longer the guilty bystandard that made occasional guest appearances i was the actual main attraction, the star of of my own life's story. The things that would have normally infuriated me were no more then simple annoyances that i batted away like the pesky flies surrounding me. Sources of pain or displeasure became reasons to laugh, stories to tell others. Even the most gripping political or religious conflicts i may have had with others alongside me on the trip were reasons to strangely enough find common ground and humanity within the other. If i had a right to feel passionately about certain issues then they had as well, a sentiment i had never quite come to terms with nor was i capable of reconciling within my own belief system. Even now back in the context of the everyday i find difficulty typing these words, i almost want to erase them as if by not writing them down i can deny that i felt that way.

Who was this person, i found myself asking. The answer was quite simply, me, the me i knew i once was, the me that i and others valued, the me that i had yearned to reconnect with for longer then i care to think about.

It's as i had written in a journal entry not long ago...
"To become depressed means that you are destined to live in shadow of your former self. You will never again be the happy person, full of vitality you were once before. You will forever rummage through a shoe box of old pictures hearing the distant echoes of your once infectious laugh..."

To have experienced that happiness that soul bathing, intoxicating sense of peace makes me wonder if it had happened at all, as i desperately gulp the air so that i may fill my lungs to breathe once more...